He is I AM

The last few months have been pretty tough (look at the state of the world, hello, I am not alone here). I stopped talking publicly about my depression beyond the occasional share to my instagram story. It’s tiring to feel like you are constantly waging a war with your own brain, fighting feelings and emotions that come again and again, no matter how many ways you try to fight it. You can’t downward dog your way out of it, y’all. I’ve tried. I took steps back from everything, including Redeemed Collective. Things that were supposed to give me life felt like a drain on the little bit of energy I had left. I was, at best, deflated and felt completely defeated. I really don’t even like typing these words out for people to read, but they’re honest.

Until now.

Let me first say: Jesus is faithful and consistent and trustworthy, even when my life feels overwhelming. He is “I AM,” who spoke to Moses from a burning bush, who delivered His people, who redeemed those the world believed unworthy, who took my sin upon Himself. I have known Him since I was young, but I learn so much about Him every day, especially from His creation.

Sunday morning, I stepped out of my rental car and walked up a brief pathway towards Mather Point at the Grand Canyon. I have dreamed about seeing the canyon for a long time now. It calls to me in a way I can’t quite explain. Before I got up to the view point, I had to stop and take a deep breath. As I took those last few steps, tears dripped down my face. The canyon stretched before me, solid and still, a view for the ages. At every view point, I was scrambling on top of rocks (sorry Jess), craning my head over the edge, soaking in every rock formation, scrubby desert tree and path I could find. What I started to notice as the day progressed was that I could stand in the same spot for hours and see something entirely new as the light changed. It wasn’t that the canyon changed - the perspective I was viewing it from changed. The canyon was and is - yes, there have been shifts of rock, and the wearing of time, but on the whole, it endures. What the canyon was at its formation is what it continues to be. The only difference is my viewpoint.

So it is with God. Unlike the canyon, there have been no small changes in His structure and time has not worn pieces of Him away. It is true; however, that as I change and grow, my perspective of Him changes. The light shifts, the shadows fall in a different way, and I see more of His beauty, His goodness and His truth. The God I knew at the sunrise of our relationship looks different to me at midday, but He is still God. He is I AM. He is unchanged, firm and still, captivatingly beautiful even as the world swirls around me. Even as tragedy strikes, as our nation struggles against itself, as my Black brothers and sisters lament and beg for the church to hear them in fullness, He continues to say I AM WHO I AM.

I don’t know where your sacred place is. I know God met me at the Canyon, and I am changed. I know He meets me when I need Him so deeply, when my very soul cries out in the storm. I know He met Jacob, and wrestled with him in the desert, and Jacob wouldn’t let go until he was changed. I know I feel life in my spirit again, I feel words that are begging to be written, and dreams coming back. You are an image bearer of Christ, a carrier of His spirit, a force to be reckoned with. Find your sacred space. Cling to I AM. Allow Him to show Himself to you in a new light.