burned out.

When I started Redeemed Collective last year, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing (Note: I still do not). I certainly never wanted to be a blogger, and I have no idea how to do graphic design. I’ve always said writing was the one thing that I know for sure I’m good at, but everything else is just me trying really, really hard. The only thing I knew was that I felt like the Lord was asking me to run a blog. If you are questioning and laughing at that, I assure you, no one did more than me.

There is no one more unqualified to do this than I am. No one could possibly know or understand less about marketing, SEO or generally being cool than I do. So I turned to people that knew more than I did. My sweet and talented friends helped so much - filmed videos, wrote blogs, shared their voices. I am so thankful for them and the words they gave to this community. I dreamed, and I tried to be like everybody else who grew their online platforms, because I am supposed to care about that as a blogger. I watched how people posted on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter with seemingly endless amounts of content and brilliant ideas that thousands of people interacted with. As I watched other people receive validation for their content, I grew more and more frustrated. I kept thinking to myself, wow, here I am writing and posting and sharing from the absolute depths of my heart and no one appreciates it.

I would like to point out that the sentence above was all about me and my pride. Not about honoring God. Not about being faithful where He had asked me to put down roots. Not about the Kingdom. It was about me, and my hurt feelings. I had so many wonderful people who helped me create RC, as well as those who read, shared and encouraged me (looking at you, mom - love ya). In my state of self absorption, none of it mattered. I was focused on myself. Needless to say (unsurprisingly), I burned out. Everything felt like a chore. I started to dread writing, and especially dreaded the thought of sharing anything from my personal life. It was all just too much, so I quit.

Yeah. I quit.

People would ask me about my writing, and I would just shrug and say something noncommittal about how I didn’t really have time for this blog anyway. Between what felt like the implosion of some core elements of my personal life and dealing with the weight of the pandemic, I had nothing left in the tank. At some point, I stopped reading my Bible. I stopped spending time in prayer. I stopped doing everything but fulfilling the rituals, because I was mad at God. The funny thing is that upon reflection, I have to realize that I was being pretty petulant about the whole situation. God didn’t… give me enough likes on Instagram? Put my content in front of thousands of eyes? Make me instantly famous and noticed and validated? What did I even want out of this, anyway? What started as a way for me to honor God turned so quickly into a way for me to honor myself.

Maybe you are reading this, and are somewhat horrified by this confession. Just to be honest, it was pretty horrifying living this way. It’s so easy to see the faults of others. We have this innate ability to justify our thoughts and actions and deem them above reproach, while we would rake someone over the proverbial coals should they choose to do the same. Funny how that works, right?

A few months ago, my friend Montana casually asked me about Redeemed. I had shared a few of my posts with her about specific topics, and she was curious to know if I ever wanted to start writing again. I essentially told her that I had no intention to ever post again - not for a long time, at least. I wasn’t healed enough to write for other people. I gave her a pretty extensive (and defensive) list of reasons why I shouldn’t and couldn’t write anything for Redeemed Collective anymore. Then Montana, in her gentle and kind way, reminded me that my words held value. She reminded me that I had a talent that I wasn’t using, and that wasn’t really honoring God. She was very polite about the whole thing, but in essence, told me I needed to get back out there.

I was very noncommittal. I gave her a half-hearted response of, “I’ll think about it.” I had no intention of thinking about it, period. It was too hard. The longer I sat at my desk, I realized that the Holy Spirit had used Montana that day. Her kind and encouraging comments reminded me that my words had power and honored God. The very next day I posted on Instagram for the first time in months, as a first step towards recommitting my talents back to God. God so used my friend to humble me and remind me that all of this was for His glory, not mine. This post is the first time I have sat down to write anything longer than an instagram caption in months. I haven’t felt ready (and possibly not quite willing) to bare my soul for the sake of the internet. I am a very flawed person. I am addicted to success and achievements. I have competed at everything since I popped into this world, and I’m not sure that will really stop soon. Yet I have realized that nothing I do anymore is for the sake of the internet or my peers, but for the sake of the gospel.

I struggled for so long to “win” in my relationship with God by checking all of the boxes - I prayed, I went to church and served in youth ministry (extra points), and I read my Bible (when I had time between Netflix shows). If I failed at accomplishing those things, I endlessly persecuted myself. The cycle of failure spun out over and over again. The last 10 months have been a season of intense personal growth for me. I made an executive decision that I no longer wanted to continue to repeat the cycles that I had been living in with my relationships, or in physical, mental and spiritual health. I decided to change the trajectory of my life and of my relationship with Christ. I can tell you that now, I am truly walking in freedom and wholeness. That sentence sounds so cute, right? It really wraps things up with a bow. The truth of the matter is that I have walked away from people who continuously distracted me from my walk with God. I have sacrificed my time and my resources - paying for and working with a nutritionist, beginning and maintaining a consistent workout schedule, and investing in study, prayer and fasting to know God more.

Are you willing to make sacrifices to end cycles in your life? Are you willing to humble yourself and listen when God sends someone to tell you to get over it (with love)? Are you willing to be honest when you have made an idol out of the thing that God asked you to do for the Kingdom?

Here’s the truth, friend. It would be really easy for me to come back and just pretend that none of this happened. I could sweep it all under the rug. I’m really tired of that, though. I’m tired of living that perfectly manicured life. The reality is we are messy, and we are all under construction. Stop trying to be everything you’re not and be who God created you to be. You were not called to go viral. You were just called to be faithful in obedience. (I am so sorry for the super cheese of those sentences, but I’m still right.) Start investing in regular time with God - not trying to manipulate Him or earn your spot in the winner’s circle, just to know Him more. Start honoring the temple He gave you by caring for your physical body and mental health. Stop making this about your name being known, and make the obedient yes for the Kingdom. If you’ve burned out and quit, it’s not too late to submit those talents and gifts back to Him, and get back out there. He says, “Draw near to Me and I will draw near to you.” Trust Him to do it. Grab hold of Him and don’t let go.

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Nicole Worm is the founder of Redeemed Collective, a recovering perfectionist and is committed to eventually seeing the Atlanta Falcons win a Super Bowl. Also, committed to being dog mom to Bear.